We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
