Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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