how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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