Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
