a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
