the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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