I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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