Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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