a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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