i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
