she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
