Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It was confusing and full of hummus
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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