Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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