I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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