dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
