I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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