you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
