She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
