This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
