Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
