Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
if i died would you start the facebook group?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
