i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
