Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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