AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
