He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
