she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
