i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
