Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
