dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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