She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
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tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
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The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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