The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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