so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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