sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
