Your face is a jimmy john
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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