I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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