Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
