Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
