Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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