I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he thought i was a dude.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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