Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
