I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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