I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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