I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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