if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
