The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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