Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
