just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
