I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
