R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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