You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
