She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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