Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
