My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
