I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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