quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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