The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
