70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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