Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
