you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
