i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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