remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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